That’s all she wrote.

Not really, but it’s how I feel right at this very second.

I have the most amazing friend in the next room – he knows who he is – but he’s going through his own stuff, so while I convalesce, and attempt sleep, D pops into my head. I realise I’m sleeping on the side of the bed I never sleep on. It’s the side I always slept on with D.

This is the moment most angsty teens would write FML and all their friends would write OMG and YOLO on Facebook. Me? I cry more tears I didn’t think I had into a pillow that’s not mine and wish I could rewind this last year, go home and get cranky at D for coke bottles next to the couch, or the computer, or for letting Charlie sleep on the couch again. Most of all just to rub his shoulders on the way through as he acknowledges me ever so briefly and goes back to his game. Just to know he’s there.

I think I have that connection right now. I wish I could reach out and touch him, and if he’s hanging around looking out for me I’d like to think he’s wishing the same. But I can’t. And it hurts. It will always hurt. I’d go for a run but – crap – my knee is post surgery and I can’t. So I’m stuck. With my tears and the pillow that’s not mine.

FML? I don’t think so. My life was better for what he taught me about myself. I’m tougher than I think and I know I’ll be ok. I know I was loved, and am loved.

Yes, life sucks right now, but I’ll wake up tomorrow and still be smiling, and still be ok.

Love you and miss you bub. So very much. Every day. xoxo. Just had to write it down.


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