I just can’t…
I don’t know it it’s too strong, too stubborn, too selfish or a combination of all of the above but I just can’t be this person anymore. Somehow along the way of figuring out who I am I totally lost sight of the goal. Something keeps moving the line. I’m so close to the finish and then something happens.
That something is me.
It could be a number of factors contributing to the outcome but at the end of the day I need help. I need support. I need to say please and thank you when someone offers. Especially my amazing partner. It’s taken some time to get used to how he functions and I’ve done nothing but treat him like crap because of whatever is happening in my head and he doesn’t deserve it. All he wants to do is talk and help. I don’t have a lot of experience with anxiety and depression so it’s a very confronting world. Overwhelming. I’ve hit a low I’ve never known before and it’s completely taken over my personal life. I can hide it at work but I’d be lying if I said it didn’t affect it in some way.
This post is one of the hardest I’ve ever done. And it’s one of the hardest conversations I’ve ever had with people I’m close to. It’s being able to look at myself and say you’re broken, and you need outside help to fix it. You need to rely on someone other than yourself. I’m not very good at that, or talking. I don’t articulate very well at the moment and it’s caused a lot of fights.
My first – and hardest – step of this journey has been, and will continue to be, apologising to those I’ve hurt without an excuse or justification to my actions. There’s no reason on this earth that how I’ve spoken to, and treated, some people is acceptable. The hard part from here is trying to be a better person in my interactions, open up to my partner when I’m not ok, and following through with professional help and all that entails.
I don’t doubt for a second that this is going to be a long, hard road. I also don’t doubt that when I see that light, this time there won’t be something moving the line. I’ll finish first.