It started out well…

So after my little meltdown, I did well.  For all of a few days.  Then the old, ugly version of me reared it’s ugly head and for whatever reason DP and I ended up fighting.  Our communication sucks.  That’s it.  Ask him and there’s no right or wrong person in all this.  Yet I cannot shake that he has his shit together and I’m down here lurking in the unknown and cannot grasp the skills he has taken years to learn.  So all I see is that he can communicate but I cannot.

So many arguments could be avoided if I could just navigate the quagmire of my thoughts and articulate exactly what it is I’m thinking.  Not just say what is first in my head.  Most of the time it makes sense in my head – but not DP’s – so we end up completely missing each other’s point but I cannot seem to agree to disagree if I think he’s not getting it.  But of course the conundrum then is I am so wound up I couldn’t explain my thought process if I tried, so I end up trying to figure it out as much as he is, and we both get angry and frustrated.  Then his anxiety kicks in and he has to do his thing to settle down, but I don’t have a ‘thing’ yet so I stew, mull, overthink, cry, shake, don’t sleep and sometimes get really indignant and downright pissy (which I know logically is so unreasonable).

Can someone please tell me where the switch is to just turn off being such a defensive overthinker?  Please?  I would really appreciate it.  Also, if it’s not too much to ask, turn the light back on at the end of the tunnel.  It’s awfully dark in here and I need to keep my eyes on always moving forward.

Here’s hoping my first psych visit goes well.  I need it to save both our sanity and our relationship.  I still know it’s a hard slog and the first visit isn’t going to fix everything.  But if I can get some tools to cope when DP is doing his ‘thing’ to cope then maybe we have a chance to talk properly when we’re both calmer.  If I’m really lucky I might even get some tools to somehow stop and think before I speak, or a way to communicate better with DP.  I’m terrible at opening up and I absolutely hate the invasive self-analysing so let’s hope I score a therapist who can ask lots of questions rather than expect me to just talk.  Otherwise I’ll be looking for another one.  I’m not asking to be handed the answers, but I also can’t therapy with someone who asks me what I think will help.  I’m there because I have NO FREAKING IDEA what will help.  That’s what I pay you for.

There’s nothing in the world that can prepare you for a decline in mental health.  I thought not having control over my general health for the last decade was hard but it’s nothing when it’s compounded with not even feeling like you have control of your own brain and reactions anymore.  I can now better understand rage. I’m not raging about anything myself, but I have experienced the cloud of poor judgement where it seems like you can’t fight to find words through a fog. Half the time I can’t even figure out why I’m even arguing or cranky.  How unfair is that on DP?  Sometimes all he wants to do is figure out how to help me but all I do is push him away and get the shits.

Anyway… This has been my little vent for the day (on top of venting to my beautiful cousin) so I’m going to head off and crank out the rest of my work day, go home, rest, hopefully sleep.  Maybe try not to be a total jerk for the rest of the day.

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