The little wins

So I thought I’d write immediately after seeing the psychologist but I stopped and thought about it.  Thought about the brief tips she gave me.  Once I stopped and went this has been going on your whole life, and it’s amazing you haven’t crashed until now, it seemed to take away the power of how hard this will be.  It’s still going to be bloody hard, I’m changing 24 years of something that is so innately part of me, but it no longer seems the insurmountable task it was after immediately walking out of the psychologists office.

I’ll admit, I cried.  I cried when I left.  I cried on the train.  I cried at home.  I was awake most of the night trying to figure out where to even start.  Then my light bulb.  This is my marathon.  I don’t know how long the course is, I don’t know how much time it will take me.  All I can do is start training.  Eventually there will be a finish line.  Eventually I will have to run more marathons.  The difference is I will have to mindset and the fitness to conquer it.  Maybe not every time, but I will also have the tools to recover and reset.

I spoke to DP and CB about it.  Two people who totally get me, get where I’m at, and what I’m going through.  I told them what we discussed, how I felt about it, how hopeless I felt about ever succeeding, and most importantly, about acknowledging how tough this will be.  It was easier than I thought.  The talking to them that is.  I still haven’t spoken about everything I need to with DP but we both need to be in the right headspace and we’ve just both been too run down to do it.

I spent yesterday (unfortunately my birthday), so low I didn’t even feel like I could make a decision between tea and coffee.  I struggled to find any motivation at all.  I struggled to smile.  Anyone who knows me knows how quick to smile I am.  It’s one of the toughest days I’ve had.  Fighting with DP there’s at least a little bit of fire left in that frustration.  Being that low and on the edge of tears all day with absolutely no reason was so hard.  At one point DP randomly hugged me and I just couldn’t let go.  He held me for a good 10 minutes while I cried my weight in tears.  There wasn’t even a reason.  I just needed to let it go.  Whatever demon was on my back was driving me into the ground and I had to give in.  It didn’t cure me but it certainly reminded me that no matter what, DP is there.  All I have to do is not push him away.

Last night was my most recent little win.  When we argue, or DP is agitated, sometimes he will clean, or go for a drive, or sleep on the couch.  Every single time this happens I wonder what I’ve done.  I go in circles re-hashing every conversation, every text message, every possible outcome.  I blame myself for the fact that he can’t settle, and he can’t sleep.  Because of this, I’ve also extended my little pocket of crazy behaviour to ANY time he doesn’t come to bed.  Ridiculous hey?  He’s had his own little bag of anxiety and lack of sleep so he’s exhausted.  Who cares if he crashed on the couch unexpectedly?  So… Last night.  I went to bed without a care in the world. He let me know he might stay up for a bit and clean, wind down with a video game, and he might not be in bed until late.  Perfection.  Except he fell asleep on the couch.  I didn’t realise until I got up at 4.00am.  For the first time in nearly two months, instead of wondering and blaming myself, I looked at my surroundings.  The lights were still on, he had a half finished rum on the table, no blankets over him, the computer was still on but the tv had turned itself off.  Everything pointed to him crashing hard and fast after 3 days of next to no sleep.  My brain just thought logically, didn’t attribute any of it to my low day, and I woke him up so he could sleep in his own bed.  Then, amazingly, I went straight back to sleep again until my alarm.

This is absolutely massive for me.  Most of my lost sleep is from anxiety and worry about what I’ve done to cause him to not come to bed.  I think last night was the best nights sleep in a long time.  Hopefully the first of many more.

Still tiny steps, but important ones.  The size of the blocks don’t matter, its making sure the fit is perfect so the building never falls down.

Until next time…

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