You don’t know my mind

Hugh Laurie

You Don’t Know My Mind

Hugh Laurie


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Lyrics

Walking down the levee with my head hangin’ low
Looking for my mama but she ain’t here no more
Baby you don’t know, you don’t know my mind
When you see me laughing, I’m laughing just to keep from crying

She won’t cook my dinner, won’t wash my clothes
Won’t do nothing but walk the road
Baby you don’t know, you don’t know my mind
When you see me laughing, I’m laughing just to keep from crying

My breakfast on the table and my coffee’s getting cold
And mama’s in the kitchen getting a sweet papa talk
Baby you don’t know, you don’t know my mind
When you see me laughing, I’m laughing just to keep from crying

Sometimes I think my baby’s too good to die
Sometimes I think she should be buried alive
Baby you don’t know, you don’t know my mind
When you see me laughing, I’m laughing just to keep from crying

I wish I had a nickel, I wish I had a dime
I wish I hadn’t give myself a fabulous time
Baby you don’t know, you don’t know my mind
When you see me laughing, I’m laughing just to keep from crying

Look at you mama, see what you got it done
You got my money now you broke and run
Baby you don’t know, you don’t know my mind
When you see me laughing, I’m laughing just to keep from crying

You made me get mad and you made me get sad
The going gets tougher than you aint never had
Baby you don’t know, you don’t know my mind
When you see me laughing, I’m laughing just to keep from crying.

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Roller coasters

I love them, I do.  Just not when my life resembles one!  This has been a very up and down two weeks.  Extreme up and down.  Not just a gentle lull.  The occasional loop de loop just to make sure you feel alive.

On the whole though, I haven’t felt as hopeless.  Which is a nice change!  I was approved for a house yesterday so I’ll be on the move this weekend.  That will give DP and I some much needed space to be alone for a while.  Nurture the friendship.  Whatever happens beyond that point is down the track Rach and DP’s problem.  Not today.  For now I get to be excited about a new place and to unpack.

On top of all of this is my absolutely adorable little cousin’s 1st birthday party is this weekend!  Time to get creative, bake some cupcakes and I’ve been tasked with facepainting.  Should be great fun!  Can’t wait!

I guess today’s post is really about the positive overall!  Life can suck, and I’ve never felt so low before, and I wish the roller coaster would stop for a while, but I am taking steps to ease it up a little and they seem to be working.  The trick is in knowing it won’t work every time, but if you can take more steps forward than backwards you’re doing ok.

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This isn’t as easy as it looks but damn it’s a great goal to have.

Looking forward

It’s been a hard week.  A hard weekend.  But surprisingly, not a hard road ahead. Actually quite a peaceful and happy one.  This little image sums it up perfectly…

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We chose to walk away. We did the try harder thing.  We were miserable.  We were making each other miserable.  I have had exactly 1 day of anxiety since we made the decision.  And that was because I was panicking about money, starting again, and romanticising the good bits of us.  We had a fight. On text. It pretty much outlined all the reasons we just don’t match.  We were destined to not be in a relationship.  BUT – We have an amazing bond.  We do have amazing times together.  We laugh, we enjoy each other company, we can support each other.  Just not while we’re together.  It’s a hard thing to grasp but I love DP a hell of a lot and I am so grateful that we still have the good bits.  Even more grateful we have none of the bad.  Or at least if we have the bad we’re not trapped in a relationship trying to deal with it and just becoming more miserable.

I’m looking forward to the rest of my life with someone who became one of my best friends.  Who I can tell anything.  Who I can have a low day with and he knows what junk food I like and exactly how I want my drink, not to mention exactly what I’m going through.  I can lay all over him like a sloth and he’s just there for me.  And the same in reverse.  Without the relationship, I can be a proper support for his anxiety, because I’m not questioning if it’s my fault he’s anxious.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m sad it’s over.  But the instant relief is worth it.  We watched a movie on the couch together.  Talked about our days, talked shit, didn’t talk at all.  Absolute comfort.  No stress.  No tension.  Just friendship of the best kind.

Thanks DP for swiping right.  Thank you for the last 9 months of the best and worst of roller coasters.  Love you to the moon and back.

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PS.  You give the best hugs, so you are NEVER getting out of that one!

The little wins

So I thought I’d write immediately after seeing the psychologist but I stopped and thought about it.  Thought about the brief tips she gave me.  Once I stopped and went this has been going on your whole life, and it’s amazing you haven’t crashed until now, it seemed to take away the power of how hard this will be.  It’s still going to be bloody hard, I’m changing 24 years of something that is so innately part of me, but it no longer seems the insurmountable task it was after immediately walking out of the psychologists office.

I’ll admit, I cried.  I cried when I left.  I cried on the train.  I cried at home.  I was awake most of the night trying to figure out where to even start.  Then my light bulb.  This is my marathon.  I don’t know how long the course is, I don’t know how much time it will take me.  All I can do is start training.  Eventually there will be a finish line.  Eventually I will have to run more marathons.  The difference is I will have to mindset and the fitness to conquer it.  Maybe not every time, but I will also have the tools to recover and reset.

I spoke to DP and CB about it.  Two people who totally get me, get where I’m at, and what I’m going through.  I told them what we discussed, how I felt about it, how hopeless I felt about ever succeeding, and most importantly, about acknowledging how tough this will be.  It was easier than I thought.  The talking to them that is.  I still haven’t spoken about everything I need to with DP but we both need to be in the right headspace and we’ve just both been too run down to do it.

I spent yesterday (unfortunately my birthday), so low I didn’t even feel like I could make a decision between tea and coffee.  I struggled to find any motivation at all.  I struggled to smile.  Anyone who knows me knows how quick to smile I am.  It’s one of the toughest days I’ve had.  Fighting with DP there’s at least a little bit of fire left in that frustration.  Being that low and on the edge of tears all day with absolutely no reason was so hard.  At one point DP randomly hugged me and I just couldn’t let go.  He held me for a good 10 minutes while I cried my weight in tears.  There wasn’t even a reason.  I just needed to let it go.  Whatever demon was on my back was driving me into the ground and I had to give in.  It didn’t cure me but it certainly reminded me that no matter what, DP is there.  All I have to do is not push him away.

Last night was my most recent little win.  When we argue, or DP is agitated, sometimes he will clean, or go for a drive, or sleep on the couch.  Every single time this happens I wonder what I’ve done.  I go in circles re-hashing every conversation, every text message, every possible outcome.  I blame myself for the fact that he can’t settle, and he can’t sleep.  Because of this, I’ve also extended my little pocket of crazy behaviour to ANY time he doesn’t come to bed.  Ridiculous hey?  He’s had his own little bag of anxiety and lack of sleep so he’s exhausted.  Who cares if he crashed on the couch unexpectedly?  So… Last night.  I went to bed without a care in the world. He let me know he might stay up for a bit and clean, wind down with a video game, and he might not be in bed until late.  Perfection.  Except he fell asleep on the couch.  I didn’t realise until I got up at 4.00am.  For the first time in nearly two months, instead of wondering and blaming myself, I looked at my surroundings.  The lights were still on, he had a half finished rum on the table, no blankets over him, the computer was still on but the tv had turned itself off.  Everything pointed to him crashing hard and fast after 3 days of next to no sleep.  My brain just thought logically, didn’t attribute any of it to my low day, and I woke him up so he could sleep in his own bed.  Then, amazingly, I went straight back to sleep again until my alarm.

This is absolutely massive for me.  Most of my lost sleep is from anxiety and worry about what I’ve done to cause him to not come to bed.  I think last night was the best nights sleep in a long time.  Hopefully the first of many more.

Still tiny steps, but important ones.  The size of the blocks don’t matter, its making sure the fit is perfect so the building never falls down.

Until next time…

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It started out well…

So after my little meltdown, I did well.  For all of a few days.  Then the old, ugly version of me reared it’s ugly head and for whatever reason DP and I ended up fighting.  Our communication sucks.  That’s it.  Ask him and there’s no right or wrong person in all this.  Yet I cannot shake that he has his shit together and I’m down here lurking in the unknown and cannot grasp the skills he has taken years to learn.  So all I see is that he can communicate but I cannot.

So many arguments could be avoided if I could just navigate the quagmire of my thoughts and articulate exactly what it is I’m thinking.  Not just say what is first in my head.  Most of the time it makes sense in my head – but not DP’s – so we end up completely missing each other’s point but I cannot seem to agree to disagree if I think he’s not getting it.  But of course the conundrum then is I am so wound up I couldn’t explain my thought process if I tried, so I end up trying to figure it out as much as he is, and we both get angry and frustrated.  Then his anxiety kicks in and he has to do his thing to settle down, but I don’t have a ‘thing’ yet so I stew, mull, overthink, cry, shake, don’t sleep and sometimes get really indignant and downright pissy (which I know logically is so unreasonable).

Can someone please tell me where the switch is to just turn off being such a defensive overthinker?  Please?  I would really appreciate it.  Also, if it’s not too much to ask, turn the light back on at the end of the tunnel.  It’s awfully dark in here and I need to keep my eyes on always moving forward.

Here’s hoping my first psych visit goes well.  I need it to save both our sanity and our relationship.  I still know it’s a hard slog and the first visit isn’t going to fix everything.  But if I can get some tools to cope when DP is doing his ‘thing’ to cope then maybe we have a chance to talk properly when we’re both calmer.  If I’m really lucky I might even get some tools to somehow stop and think before I speak, or a way to communicate better with DP.  I’m terrible at opening up and I absolutely hate the invasive self-analysing so let’s hope I score a therapist who can ask lots of questions rather than expect me to just talk.  Otherwise I’ll be looking for another one.  I’m not asking to be handed the answers, but I also can’t therapy with someone who asks me what I think will help.  I’m there because I have NO FREAKING IDEA what will help.  That’s what I pay you for.

There’s nothing in the world that can prepare you for a decline in mental health.  I thought not having control over my general health for the last decade was hard but it’s nothing when it’s compounded with not even feeling like you have control of your own brain and reactions anymore.  I can now better understand rage. I’m not raging about anything myself, but I have experienced the cloud of poor judgement where it seems like you can’t fight to find words through a fog. Half the time I can’t even figure out why I’m even arguing or cranky.  How unfair is that on DP?  Sometimes all he wants to do is figure out how to help me but all I do is push him away and get the shits.

Anyway… This has been my little vent for the day (on top of venting to my beautiful cousin) so I’m going to head off and crank out the rest of my work day, go home, rest, hopefully sleep.  Maybe try not to be a total jerk for the rest of the day.

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I just can’t…

I don’t know it it’s too strong, too stubborn, too selfish or a combination of all of the above but I just can’t be this person anymore.  Somehow along the way of figuring out who I am I totally lost sight of the goal.  Something keeps moving the line.  I’m so close to the finish and then something happens.

That something is me.

It could be a number of factors contributing to the outcome but at the end of the day I need help. I need support. I need to say please and thank you when someone offers. Especially my amazing partner. It’s taken some time to get used to how he functions and I’ve done nothing but treat him like crap because of whatever is happening in my head and he doesn’t deserve it.  All he wants to do is talk and help. I don’t have a lot of experience with anxiety and depression so it’s a very confronting world. Overwhelming. I’ve hit a low I’ve never known before and it’s completely taken over my personal life.  I can hide it at work but I’d be lying if I said it didn’t affect it in some way.

This post is one of the hardest I’ve ever done.  And it’s one of the hardest conversations I’ve ever had with people I’m close to.  It’s being able to look at myself and say you’re broken, and you need outside help to fix it.  You need to rely on someone other than yourself.  I’m not very good at that, or talking. I don’t articulate very well at the moment and it’s caused a lot of fights.

My first – and hardest – step of this journey has been, and will continue to be, apologising to those I’ve hurt without an excuse or justification to my actions.  There’s no reason on this earth that how I’ve spoken to, and treated, some people is acceptable.  The hard part from here is trying to be a better person in my interactions, open up to my partner when I’m not ok, and following through with professional help and all that entails.

I don’t doubt for a second that this is going to be a long, hard road. I also don’t doubt that when I see that light, this time there won’t be something moving the line. I’ll finish first.

LoveYourselfFirst

When things aren’t so hot…

I’m sensing a pattern. Things aren’t awesome, I don’t write. I started this blog because things weren’t sunshine and rainbows all the time, but I seem to have done a 180 and now I only post when things are going well. Right now, things are looking up, so I got the urge to write. 

This needs to change. 

Writing needs to be more of an outlet for me. I’ve rediscovered music, found love in a most unlikely place, family are happy and healthy, I got several colouring books for Christmas, I have novels left unread and I intend to change that. My creative side needs to keep flowing. 

I’ve been back from NZ for nearly 4 months and I have yet to edit the posts I promised I would update. Terrible!

So I don’t have New Years resolutions, I have asskicking ‘you should have been doing all alongs’. 

Here’s to a more creative 2016 full of laughter, love, friendship and more selfish me time!

Oliver’s Breakfast

Short one. Nothing much to say except YUM!

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