I don’t know it it’s too strong, too stubborn, too selfish or a combination of all of the above but I just can’t be this person anymore. Somehow along the way of figuring out who I am I totally lost sight of the goal. Something keeps moving the line. I’m so close to the finish and then something happens.
That something is me.
It could be a number of factors contributing to the outcome but at the end of the day I need help. I need support. I need to say please and thank you when someone offers. Especially my amazing partner. It’s taken some time to get used to how he functions and I’ve done nothing but treat him like crap because of whatever is happening in my head and he doesn’t deserve it. All he wants to do is talk and help. I don’t have a lot of experience with anxiety and depression so it’s a very confronting world. Overwhelming. I’ve hit a low I’ve never known before and it’s completely taken over my personal life. I can hide it at work but I’d be lying if I said it didn’t affect it in some way.
This post is one of the hardest I’ve ever done. And it’s one of the hardest conversations I’ve ever had with people I’m close to. It’s being able to look at myself and say you’re broken, and you need outside help to fix it. You need to rely on someone other than yourself. I’m not very good at that, or talking. I don’t articulate very well at the moment and it’s caused a lot of fights.
My first – and hardest – step of this journey has been, and will continue to be, apologising to those I’ve hurt without an excuse or justification to my actions. There’s no reason on this earth that how I’ve spoken to, and treated, some people is acceptable. The hard part from here is trying to be a better person in my interactions, open up to my partner when I’m not ok, and following through with professional help and all that entails.
I don’t doubt for a second that this is going to be a long, hard road. I also don’t doubt that when I see that light, this time there won’t be something moving the line. I’ll finish first.
I’m sensing a pattern. Things aren’t awesome, I don’t write. I started this blog because things weren’t sunshine and rainbows all the time, but I seem to have done a 180 and now I only post when things are going well. Right now, things are looking up, so I got the urge to write.
This needs to change.
Writing needs to be more of an outlet for me. I’ve rediscovered music, found love in a most unlikely place, family are happy and healthy, I got several colouring books for Christmas, I have novels left unread and I intend to change that. My creative side needs to keep flowing.
I’ve been back from NZ for nearly 4 months and I have yet to edit the posts I promised I would update. Terrible!
So I don’t have New Years resolutions, I have asskicking ‘you should have been doing all alongs’.
Here’s to a more creative 2016 full of laughter, love, friendship and more selfish me time!
So. For all those following…
I was one of the travel consultants lucky enough to go on a famil to New Zealand. I left on Monday and am currently at the end of day two. Before I tell you too much more I feel like I should momentarily wax lyrical about Aotearoa.
This place and these people are something everyone should experience. I was lucky enough to be here in 2014 to see two amazing people get hitched and I’ve wanted to come back ever since. I saw Queenstown, Wellington and Whanganui and was absolutely blown away by this country. The scenery is spectacular and the list of things to do and places to see is endless. For such a small country you can do some amazing things.
This time around I am getting the chance to see things I didn’t know about and meet people who are passionate about New Zealand.
Day one was in Auckland and massive. We were treated to talks from the people who run Air New Zealand and Virgin Australia as well as many tourism experts and suppliers who gave us brilliant information on each area that the 400 agents from across Australia would be experiencing. My favourite part of the day was hearing from the inimitable John Anderson. The founder of Contiki. That man could have kept us captivated with his tales for hours. What a speaker. From £25 to an empire and he still remains humble. To speak to him afterwards and find him emotional that people appreciated his talk is proof that belief in what he created still keeps him going. I’m sure financially he’s quite comfortable but to hear him talk away from the spotlight he seems to find far more worth in the lives he’s touched than the dollars he’s made.
From coffee body scrub, to speaking like Gollum, to a cooking masterclass with chef Neil Brazier, the whole day was planned well and full of fantastic information. Even managed a wine tasting for afternoon tea!
Tuesday night was the big welcome party and what a venue! MOTAT (Museum of Transport & Technology) was very cool even for someone who knows nothing about planes and we were treated to a performance from Stan Walker.
Day two has been another big one. We were up before the sun to catch a flight from Auckland to Queenstown but circumstances arose that we missed our plane. On the plus side, we had some free time in Auckland until the next flight so we were able to visit the winery Villa Maria and taste. Turns out that the perfect temperature for white wine is actually about 12 degrees. Who’d have thought?
On arriving to Queenstown we collected the campervans from Maui and Britz and we were off to see the ridiculously stunning Millbrook Estate. Just a casually sprawling property with a couple of golf courses not far out of Queenstown. From there to Highlands Motorsport Park. This is a freaking cool little establishment. Don’t be put off if you’re not into cars, there is heaps for the whole family to do and you could easily spend an entire day out there. We are hoping to get back there tomorrow for a better look (thanks to the late flight we weren’t able to get here during business hours).
From there we headed to our final destination for the night. Oliver’s Central Otago in Clyde. I am going to have to edit this post when I am back home with photos. This place is heaven. Beer brewed locally, wines from the region, and food to die for. Then there’s the accommodation. Stonework, timber, modern facilities but a lodge feel.
For now, I am signing off. Tomorrow we are cycling the rail trail and it’s already midnight so I need sleep at some point.
I wrote last about the ‘big scary’. Well I’m in it! Living it! LOVING IT! I really wasn’t sure how I’d go but after a really good day today I think I might just be cut out for this business!
So… to stop being cryptic. I embarked on a crazy new tangent as a travel consultant. I figured I like travel, I like spending other people’s money, and if I spend enough of other people’s money I can travel for cheaper or free! What’s not to like about those kinds of perks?
So today I had a few very different curveballs thrown at me and I did pretty damn good. Quotes are done, a couple of customers came in, saw me, got what they wanted, bought stuff, and left happy! I even met half my target today. Not bad for the 4th day in store after a crazy 3 weeks of information overload!
For now, I am going to gravitate to my couch, a trashy movie, and some serious unwind time!
Happy weekend everyone!
It seems to be a theme… I make a proclamation (or just a beautifully random statement) and then disappear for a while. I am possibly the worst blogger ever. Apart from those who don’t go past the sign up stage. Never pass the Hello World post. Never experience the one sided conversation a blog offers.
But let’s not dwell on my lack of prowess in the online literary (and I use this loosely) world of blogging. Because I have something to say!
Tell yourself every day!
In this abyss of not writing, I have not been telling myself this. I have to remind myself that I am valuable. Just because someone else doesn’t see that worth doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist. I haven’t stopped living and enjoying life, however, so for that I’m pretty happy!
In fact… I have taken on a job that scares the living bejesus out of me. It’s so new, different, unlike anything I have done before. I’ve taken a massive pay cut but WHEN I am a success (positivity people) I have potential earnings and rewards that far make up for the initial broke student-type life I shall be enduring. Plus side? I’ll probably get skinny because my food choices have become very much a ‘how many meals can I get out of this concoction and will it go with rice?’. Yes Miss I, I’m thinking of you. Haha.
In truth, I owe this post to someone I have met during the training for this job. My whole training group is amazing, and I am going to miss hanging out with them when I head back to Townsville, but little Miss N. Unassuming, smiling, completely open and friendly Miss N. You’ve reminded me of what I need to remind myself. So thank you twin! Your fiancé is a very lucky lady and I cannot wait to meet her!
But anyway… For now I am back in training, preparing for more of the big scary. Contemplating some changes, making some decisions, and although there are some bumps ahead, I am happy with them.
I wouldn’t be me without those bumps in the road that have shaped who I am.
Now that I’m done being all serious and stuff… Peace out legends and have an amazing week!
For the entire month of December, it feels like everyone is going crazy with the ‘2014 can just go away’ type posts and if I stop and think about it, 2014 wasn’t actually that bad of a year for me! I had relationship issues (who doesn’t?) and I had trouble with uni because I was stressing about said relationship issues, but overall, I had an amazing year!
I started back at uni and am still driven to finish that degree (I got into USQ too for those following at home).
I traveled! I saw Europe for the first time ever! England, Italy, France, Netherlands and Spain. I snowboarded for the first time in Queenstown, NZ and I visited windy Wellington.
I started singing with Liquid Revival. These people have become my family, my rocks, my happy place and another home. I also gained an extended family with the Townsville Twin Cities Rock n Roll Dance Club.
I jumped back into musical theatre and scored a role in Oliver! (which is looking sensational by the way, book HERE).
I’m performing in NYE @ the Civic as one of the diva sopranos (book HERE).
I’ve settled into my own style, my own skin and I love who I have grown into this year.
I may or may not have encouraged my lovely cousin to start her own blog about the real truths of motherhood and life in general (check it out HERE).
I gave too much of my time and energy to someone who just didn’t return the commitment.
So to all you naysayers out there, 2014 wasn’t shit for all of us and 2015 is just going to be even better for me!
Christmas will always be tough without D but golly gosh do I have THE BEST mob of people I could ever ask for to soften the blow and keep my life interesting!
If I post nothing before Christmas, have a wonderful day with your families, loved ones, pets, gnomes and that wacky neighbour. I know I certainly will! Peace, love, happiness and maybe a rad gift or two.
So tomorrow opens enrolment for the second year of uni. I’m still waiting to find out if I got into another university to study secondary ed externally. In the meantime, I am checking out the options and may as well enrol with JCU for next year. Fingers crossed I can get the bulk of my subjects externally because this girl needs a job!
In the meantime, today marks our band’s second last gig for the year (sadface) and a ramp up to rehearsals for NYE at the Civic! All in all, this little duck is a busy thing up until New Years! Just how I like it!
Hope everyone has done their Christmas shopping because I know here in the ‘Ville it has been manic for a month now!
Until next time!
It moves. Sometimes fast, sometimes slow. Sometimes you’re so caught in the moment you really can’t tell. Love is a many wondrous thing and can make it move so differently.
I was in love. It was a different kind of love. It was more of an intense friendship. It seemed like we were perfect and got along really well but what people didn’t see was the better indicator of where we were, or weren’t, going.
I made the tough decision to walk away. It was an unhealthy relationship for me. I think I needed it though. I needed to know for myself that I could move on from D. Moving on is a loaded statement though. I don’t think I’ll ever really move on. But I do now know what I will and won’t accept for myself. This is not a post bashing my most recent relationship. As all relationships, it taught me something about myself and, ultimately, pushed me to end it.
Life as I know it is changing, evolving. I have had a massive year this year and I have learned so much about me. I’ve become more comfortable in my skin in a lot of ways, I’ve made many new friends, reacquainted with old, found my place back in theatre and on stage singing in a band.
*insert shameless plug here*
Aren’t we a good looking bunch?
I digress… I’m sure I have many challenges ahead but I needed to write this so I can move on to other things and update this thing far more often than I do! Just know that for now I am the happiest I have been in months and my face hurts from smiling. Thanks to the special people who cause that every single day. You know who you are!
For now, I am going to sign off, but there will be many more posts to be read down the line. Most likely when I am procrastinating my study!
And I whored out my blog for a uni assignment. I’m ok with that though because I got a Distinction! WOOT!
In other news, I’m feeling healthier than I have in ages and I have Nat Kringoudis and Jade Vogler to thank! It’s a long story but it looks like my PCOS is finally on it’s way to being a memory or at least a mildly manageable irritant instead of a life-ruling monster of low self-esteem.
I have also been attending regular PT with the freaking awesome Simone of All Hartz Health and Fitness and started yoga at Northern Beaches Chiropractic (who, by the way, also provide my chiropractic needs and my amazing massage). So although I am still likely to sit at this plateau for a little while longer, I feel so much healthier inside with just a few small changes. Bigger changes on the horizon but baby steps to help it stick.
On the education front, uni is great, getting fantastic grades and finishing my graphic design diploma on the side (busy busy!).
On the personal front everything is going well with the boy and we are off to NZ in 2 weeks! Going to learn how to snowboard for the first time and meeting K’s nana. Oh and to see the most amazing people get married! I can’t wait to see these two exchange vows in a country that actually accepts them exactly as they are. And what a sensational location – Queenstown! So freaking excited!!
For now, I must away to the study again!
Happy Friday y’all!
Here’s my cat. Because she’s adorable. And I can.